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13 November 2010 @ 10:26 am
I'm that wierdo who sits at home alone on a Saturday morning drinking black coffee and watching shows about surprise pregnancies...crying.
09 March 2010 @ 07:50 am
I had a dream last night that I was in deep blue water...holding a very small baby. At first it seemed natural that we were under the water, she looked calm and content...but I started too kick for the surface and when we reached it I held the baby up so that it could breath. I couldn't swim very well and didn't have the strength to keep the two of us wading above the water so over and over again I would sink and the baby... she drowned.

I woke up completely frazzled. This dream scared the shit out of me...and now time for work. It's going to be a long day.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
17 November 2009 @ 09:51 pm
The date was amazing...


the news that unfortunately overshadows this is... my biomom has lung cancer, brain cancer, is seizing in the hospital and now is in a coma on a breathing machine.

my sister went to see her two days ago and was called a "fat dyke"...gotta love biomom.

my biofamiy that hasn't talked with me in nearly eight years wants me to come see her...

i am worried that if i don't do this i may hate myself twenty years from now...but i really cannot see myself being of any good down there. i really do not care for or love her...i am still trying to get over the emotional harm she caused me many years ago...i'm doing pretty good...but...whether i want this to affect me or not it is. fuuuuuuuuck!!! i just want to curse out her comatose body and tell her how much i hate her.
14 November 2009 @ 11:43 am
I went to see a psychiatrist this week and while an hour didn't even begin to cover my initial consultation...it was a good start. I chatted about myself and topics that would definitely be off the table for most people...made me a tad uncomfortable...I filled out these DSM tests...one for Anxiety, one for Social Phobia, and one for ADD. I hate the idea of labeling myself as these things...but I guess judging by the questionnaires I am someone who "fits" the description.

Today I made some habenaro/jalepano/lime/ginger/garlicly hot sauce...now I smell like vinager and hot peppers for my date...and it's too late for a second shower...

That's right I'm going on a date! In less than an hour I'll be leaving the apartment for a real non-bar date! I'm pretty sick/excited/anxious/terrified about it, but when I take some medicine I'll be okay. His name is Austin and I met him on okaycupid... hopefully he's not a psycho because we're going hiking and drinking in Duke Forest. I'm bringing some pepper spray and my pocket knife just in case. Here's his profile


pretty cool huh?
03 October 2009 @ 02:56 pm
i attended a teacher convention this weekend and the keynote speaker dr. becky bailey told us to "rub cranky cream" on children when they are having behavioral problems. kinda perverted or is it just me...maybe it was the beer *shrug* i really wish that i remembered to bring my camera so i could do a 'day in my life' post...maybe next year.
30 September 2009 @ 07:12 pm
...and now CELEXA plus TRAZODONE. Apparently I should wear a badge that says,"HELLO my name is Fucking Scary" ... Anyone have any luck or experiences with these drugs? I have never even considered taking drugs to help myself...this should be interesting.
28 September 2009 @ 01:37 pm
Clonazepam = no more panic attacks for awhile. yay.
29 August 2009 @ 10:06 am
"I only drink French pressed coffee" sounds snobby, but what it really means is, "My giant ass drip coffee maker finally broke down". I am in trouble now... It's hard to chug caffeine when you have to heat a kettle and clean a little carafe every time you want ONE mug full! I want to drink massive amounts of coffee of course, because somewhere in my mind I think it will help me concentrate. This, unfortunately is never the case.
12 August 2009 @ 10:39 pm
i am going to start updating this again soon...life has been oh so dramatic and i just didn't want this lj to turn into a worse episode than it already has been... drinking chartrusse and sad that it's almost gone and not sold in north carolina. i am buying a used car soon to replace the one i'm driving and it might make it to florida and that would be nice!
05 July 2009 @ 12:07 pm
Drinking hot Irish breakfast tea and trying to nurse myself back to health from this cold...why do I always get sick on the weekend when I'm supposed to be enjoying time away from the classroom? Sarah rented the movie He's Just Not That Into You and...yeah...it's making me feel hopeless... I really didn't want to relate with the characters in that movie...i really didn't...but i do...gross.. hate myself. hate that movie.
Current Mood: sicksick